How I Imagine the Writing of the Declaration of Independence Would Have Happened If the Founders Had Ate Buffalo Chicken Pizza

THOMAS JEFFERSON:The pizza is here!

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN:What’s on it? Is it blue cheese?

JOHN ADAMS:Can I have a piece with less blue cheese on it?

JEFFERSON:Just take it out.

ADAMS:Can someone help me cut my slice into smaller pieces?

JEFFERSON:Sure, John.

ADAMS:It’s so spicy!

JEFFERSON: Don’t be a coward, John. You said you liked Buffalo sauce.

ADAMS:This one just has more Buffalo sauce than I normally get.

JEFFERSON:Well, you said, “Surprise us!” and that’s it. We should have just had pepperoni.

FRANKLIN:No, I’m fine. I’m completely stuffed with pepperoni. I ate so much charcuterie in France.

JEFFERSON:Great, more stories about France. Can we get back to writing that declaration justifying our claim to independence from Britain?

FRANKLIN:Yeah, but can someone go past the ranch first?

(John Adams is covered from head to toe in ranch dressing.)

ADAMS:I spilled the ranch. Can I have a towel?

JEFFERSON: Stay there and don’t take anything from this project. I’m serious, John. I don’t want to have to make another copy of this. Look, we need to make a list of our grievances against the British Crown so that we can explain in this sort of public statement the reasons for the declaration of independence, if Congress decides to do so in the coming months. So what do you think?

ADAMS:It should be mentioned that the taxes on tea are exorbitant… and the tea is also too spicy.

JEFFERSON:Jesus Christ, John.

FRANKLIN:It should be noted that their women are not as pretty as French women.

(Jefferson puts down his pen, sighs deeply, rubs his temples, and takes a bite of his topped Buffalo chicken pizza..)

JEFFERSON:Mmm, this pizza is delicious. Should we save some for Roger Sherman and Robert Livingston? Where are those two? They were selected to be part of this committee to draft the Declaration and are supposed to be here.

FRANKLIN:I think they had falafel.

JEFFERSON:Great. Well, then I guess history will mostly forget them. Well, what else is there besides spiced tea and simple women? Maybe someone has an idea on how we could start this Declaration…

FRANKLIN (talking with your mouth full of pizza): I’m thinking something like: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and… shit… I dropped chicken on my pants… uh, and the pursuit of Happiness”—(burps)-or something like that.

JEFFERSON:That’s actually quite telling. Thanks for that, Ben.

FRANKLIN: Yeah, that’s cool. Hey, all our names are on that bill, right? It’d be nice to get some credit for being cooped up in that hot meeting room all summer. Plus, I feel like this statement might help me put my face on our currency, and I really want to pay for things with paper that has my face on it.

JEFFERSON: Okay, sure. We’ll leave room for everyone to sign the Declaration… even though I was chosen to write this because of that pamphlet I wrote a few years ago. Remember? A Brief Overview of British American Rights?

ADAMS:I don’t think I’ve read that one. Argumentative literature scares me.

FRANKLIN:Yeah, no, I was in France, probably, and they mostly have newspapers in French, which I can read perfectly.

JEFFERSON: No, it’s cool. I think it sold a bunch of copies or whatever. Whatever do The fact is that we all understand that by writing this statement and signing it, we are committing an act of high treason, punishable by death. Everyone understands the gravity of the situation, don’t they?

(John Adams is covered in buffalo sauce and begins to cry quietly.)

ADAMS: My stomach hurts.

FRANKLIN:To be honest, Tommy, I wasn’t listening. Besides, a beer would do me good.

JEFFERSON: Very well. Ben, take John with you. I’ll finish this myself.

(Jefferson takes another bite of pizza and drops a piece of Buffalo chicken on the draft Declaration.)

JEFFERSON:Son of a bitch. We should have gotten pepperoni.