“Situations,” “Throuples,” “Ethical Non-Monogamy”: The Change in Modern Relationships

Five years ago, ethical non-monogamy was a blip on the sexual radar in New Zealand. Thanks to the growth of social media and the taboo surrounding sex-dropping, there is now more and more “permission” to be sexually curious.

If you’ve been online dating recently, you may be feeling like *Anna – confused as you “swipe left.”

“So many people are into ethical non-monogamy,” she says, which she finds “strange.”

The Bay of Plenty singleton meets the usual male dating profile. Then, in the “More About Me” section, he will speak openly about his marital status and the fact that his partner knows he is seeking the company of another woman.

“Some of them don’t just have sex for fun; They are looking for real second partnerships with other women and still have their first partners,” she says.

It left her with many questions.

According to our local Married at First Sight, New Zealand Sex therapist Jo Robertson, who will appear in Three’s alongside Australian expert John Aiken MAFS New Zealand Anna from May 26 and Tauranga somatic sex therapist Terri Ewart have discovered a shift in modern relationships.

Both women advise couples around the world and say ethical non-monogamy was a blip on the sexual radar in New Zealand five years ago. And while it’s still not mainstream, it’s not entirely on the fringe either.

Thanks to the growth of social media and the taboos surrounding sexual assault, there has been a movement in our culture and relationship structures to increase the “permission” to be sexually curious.

Robertson says exploration is generally healthy, but she sees some clients who feel prudish if they’re not forgiving.

“There’s this subtle theme of having to be constantly open and probing, and some negative connotations when going mainstream. I spend a lot of time making my clients understand that it’s okay to say no to things.”

Ethical non-monogamy, opening up to or adding others to “play with” to rekindle or maintain erotic excitement between a couple, is a relationship practice with “high risk” for feelings of betrayal or pressure, says Robertson.

This is particularly the case when a couple chooses ethical non-monogamy while their relationship is going through a stressful time, such as a woman’s postpartum year or menopause.

Many couples don’t know how to seek help, she says. “They push the limits instead of saying ‘I’m fighting’.”

Ewart agrees and says the mistake too many couples make is adding a third to save their relationship.

“That’s just the absolute worst way to go. It always ends in tears.”

Therapists say it would make more sense for a couple to strengthen their relationship first and recommend sexual therapy beforehand.

Ewart provides online advice to an Australian couple who “started” seeing others as a duo, which caused damage to the relationship and everyone involved.

“The most important thing that goes wrong is someone unintentionally crossing an unspoken boundary and getting hurt. Feelings are often hurt and relationships are in precarious situations.”

Ethical non-monogamy has different arrangement structures and some forms include polyamory. Here is the most common one.

Open relationship: You and your partner can have sexual, but not romantic, relationships with other people.

Swing: A couple having sex or dating other people as a couple.

Hierarchical polyamory: If you and your partner can have emotional or sexual relationships with other people, but have agreed to remain each other’s primary partner to protect your financial and emotional stability. You can maintain these relationships individually or as a couple (“throuples”).

Non-hierarchical: In this scenario, there are no primary partners – everyone is equal.

Solo Poly or “Situations”: A single person who has multiple intimate or sexual relationships.

Ewart says it may seem confusing, but ethical non-monogamy is not new (The Ethical SlutThe Polyamorous Bible, published in 1997).

Sexual exclusivity, or conventional marriage, emerged from a patriarchal system based on being able to pass on wealth from one generation to the next. Therefore, monogamy became important at a certain time. But in comparison, ethical non-monogamy shouldn’t be viewed as unhealthy, says Ewart.

“As long as there is consent, honesty, transparency and excellent communication and everyone in the dynamic knows what’s going on, I don’t think is that healthy? is a question we have to ask,” says Ewart.

However, ethical non-monogamy has a bad reputation because some see it as a reflection of loose morals or a lack of commitment. However, for some, a new type of relationship could be the answer.

Alternative relationship configurations can work, but Ewart says this often depends on intensive conversations beforehand and a person’s attachment style (secure, anxious, disorganized or avoidant).

“You’ll find that most people who come into this room are generally in the most bonded group of our population. For them, their self-esteem doesn’t come from being attached to someone else.”

Regardless, couples need to be prepared for various outcomes, including the question: “What happens when emotions are involved and a real relationship begins to develop?” Robertson says.

“People like to think that sex can be completely emotionless, but in reality we bring our whole selves to the encounter and can form a bond fairly quickly.”

Sophie’s story

*Sophie was in her late 30s and 19 when an older, unconventional partner introduced her to ethical non-monogamy, which lasted for four years until a minor betrayal got in the way.

From a philosophical perspective, ethical non-monogamy made sense to her.

“When there was an inequality of desires or differences in sexual needs, there was a dependence on the other to meet those needs and there was limited scope for negotiation. “Ethical non-monogamy offered an alternative possibility for radical love and sexual fulfillment,” she says.

At first, it was refreshing not to feel burdened by meeting all of her partner’s needs, and in the “absence of obligations” she was able to explore her sexuality.

“As women, we are often primed to explore our partner’s sexual needs – and here I was given full permission to explore my desires.”

The couple agreed to a hierarchical structure in which they were each other’s primary partners and each of them had permission – with restrictions – to engage in sexual activity with others. They negotiated their needs, expectations and boundaries from the start.

She says their desires were different, so it wasn’t a completely symmetrical arrangement.

Sophie had long-term sexual partners with whom she occasionally met for a night. In contrast, he pursued casual contacts and indulged in fetishes that she didn’t like. Sometimes they played together, sometimes they played separately.

The agreements included consistent safe sex practices (protection and testing), no mutual friends as lovers, and no outside play unless they were together in a good atmosphere, which she said became difficult.

After a few years, she began to feel that sexual satisfaction was taking up too much space in her relationship. She found it difficult to assert her boundaries, renegotiate boundaries, and maintain a secure bond with her partner.

“If you’re curious, please don’t just do it like that,” she says. “Educate yourself.”

Her advice is to develop care, communication and consent skills, as well as good time management skills to manage the complexities of multiple dynamics.

These days she is in a long-term monogamous relationship with someone of “traditional orientation.”

“We remain curious about what is possible within the parameters of our relationship. Things are interesting enough for both of us.

“If I’m honest, I no longer want to deal with the level of emotional alertness that ethical non-monogamy requires of me.”

Rachel’s story

*Rachel, in her 40s, has been on an ethical non-monogamy journey for several years. She recently separated from her husband. At first they were polyamorous and dated each other individually, but then he left her to be monogamous with his girlfriend.

These days, she has a partner she sees once or twice a week and describes herself as a solo polymerizer. She enjoys her life without expectations and enjoys the company of those who complement her world. Netflix shows Sense8 And Wild country “Oddly enough,” the idea of ​​ethical non-monogamy was planted in her and her ex-husband’s mind. They joined a few polyamory sites, learned a bit more, and then jumped into Boots and All.

She was never jealous of the other woman her ex was with. But polyamory requires balancing efforts, she says.

Ultimately, she believes polyamory wasn’t the reason their relationship failed, but it did make it clear how far apart they had previously drifted. Still, the two are friendly and she thinks polyamory fits in well with modern life, especially for those who, like her, are in “post-big relationships.”

“I don’t want to live together, I don’t want anyone to be a stepfather to my children, but I want adult relationships that are mutual, deep and satisfying and not just sex,” she says.

“As long as everyone is honest and everyone is in agreement, why is it anyone’s business?”

*Some names have been changed to protect privacy.